How to LOSE FRIENDS & ALIENATE COLLEAGUES

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Being right is over-rated. Yup, I said it!

I admit; I’m a control freak…but I’m getting better. When it comes to many things, if I’m “in the game” like deciding where to park the car—I can see twenty steps ahead and before you’ve realized there’s a decision to be made, I will have crunched the number of available parking spots and calculated the most efficient route, or so I think, and I will nag you to stick it where I say. I was born with the burdensome, yet magical gift to quickly visualize the most effective way to do things. This has made me useful to some—and a pain in the ass to others.

i.e. I drive slow people crazy.

I thrive on efficiency. “Anything worth doing is worth doing quickly.” It’s a philosophy, but not a good one.

Of course, its undesirably affected relationships, how could it not? Debating about your significant other’s cooking style or how they stack the dishwasher is never pleasant and most often over-baring. Wanting things done my way is a flawed concept, even if it is the most efficient use of water, time, space, etc… it only serves to frustrate me and piss you off.

So, why do I still do it? Good question…commenting adversely on the way your coworker organizes the presentation or your spouse cleans the garage is stupid on so many levels, I get it, at least they are organizing and cleaning and not me. I thought I was being helpful, come to find out—not so much. It turns out most people find my controlling character trait to be annoying. Who knew?

So, now I must learn to Let Go of my inner Control Freak. Oh, you too? Well, perhaps these tips will help…No promises though.

Acknowledge it. Own it.

First, we must lovingly acknowledge our inner Control Freak. Admitting we have a problem is half the battle. Where have you heard that before? But here’s the new twist; then we must accept that we are NOT powerless against it, meaning “OWN IT”! That’s right, we must first own something before we can change it. I know this goes against the AA manifesto. Actions speak louder than drunken words, or put your money where the drink goes, or something to that effect is all I can say to them. Back to my point, we have to own our shit! The same goes for your neighbor’s dilapidated shed. As much as I’d like to fix it, I don’t own it, so I can’t.

Acknowledgment is the AH-HA moment rapt with great relief.

Owning it—is the power! And who doesn’t want more power over themselves?

Once you admit and own that you have issues and that they negatively affect your relationships—you feel relief in knowing and the power to change it. By the way, once you own it—you can’t put the genie back in the bottle. You have to now and forever take responsibility for this inner demon, otherwise look the fool. Sounds like a downer, so let’s move on.

3 Steps to Free the Beast.

Easier said than done. Acknowledgment and owning it are two things— truly changing an ingrained behavior is a whole other wrestling match. So here’s what I suggest:

1. Practice letting someone else do it his or her way.
For example: Jump in the passenger’s side with the worst driver you know and choose a difficult place to get to, then sit back and enjoy the freedom of not having to nag them. Even, if it takes all day, even if you miss the flight. Bring a book, like this one, pack some sandwiches and bottled water and settle in for an adventure, script unwritten.

2. Don’t be judgmental.
No comments from the peanut gallery! Speak only in positives, like “Hey, look at that homeless man. Aren’t you glad you’re not him!” or “Wow, who knew Texas had so many trailer parks!” However they get there—is how they get there. It’s the journey that most Control Freaks lose sight of and that’s just sad. We get so focused on the destination; we can’t see the road kill along the way.

3. Help them help you.
Let them know you are trying to be less obnoxious. Mia Culpa! Tell them you appreciate their handling the trip, making all those annoying driving decisions and allowing you to relax like a Movie Star riding shotgun! Be encouraging! I know, it sounds so inspirationally cliché. Gross. But, the point is to play like it’s an alternate universe until none of it matters. This way you learn to relax and enjoy the scenery.

So, the message here is to discard the “my way or the highway,” mentality. FREE THE BEAST and be more, “Damn, this highway has all sorts of road side attractions!”

No. You won’t be cured overnight.

I still envision all the “better” ways, but I try to keep it to myself and laugh at my Control Freak when she tries to rear her ugly voice. Instead of nagging, I stop myself with this little poem:

Once upon a task so dreary, I pondered ways that made her weary.
Over many a dumb and curious dispute—It dawned on me that it’s all-moot.

You can make up your own poem or create a pattern interrupt. However you are able to jolt yourself awake before you speak the controlling nonsense, works for me. Using the poem, I open myself to trying other people’s way of doing things. Practice the old stop and listen, rather than shoehorn your ideas down people’s throat.

It’s amazing the things we discover when we let other people solve the puzzle. By forcing my well-intentioned Control Freak to shut up and move aside, I have a lot more free time to surf the net, tweet, and creep on people’s Facebook. Bottom line, I get more done if I leave well enough alone, so everybody wins, like in grade school.

To be honest, this new methodology isn’t always more relaxing, YET! But, it’s getting easier each day I practice, improving my relationships and saving myself from all that un-necessary bickering. So, right there the end justifies the means, in an efficient sort of way. Did I just digress? Hey, you can take the freak out of the girl but you can’t take the girl out of the freak!

10 Concepts to Inner Peace

1. Being right is over-rated.
2. Let them do it. Go have a beer.
3. “Anything worth doing—is worth letting them do it their way”
4. Alternative solutions won’t kill you, but they may salvage your relationships.
5. Expecting others to be like you is a good way to lose friends and alienate colleagues.
6. “It doesn’t always have to be efficient. Stupid works too.
7. Go with the flow, Joe. The water get down stream—the rock stays put.
8. It’s not about the destination—it’s about the journey, so don’t fuck up THEIR good time.
9. Relinquish control, or if you prefer it in Rock-n-Roll, terms “Free yourself and the rest will follow.”
10. Everything has side effects. Not sure where I’m going with this one, so figure it out on your own.